Labubu

who knows? A collectible creature-widely considered to be adorable-that resembles the love child of a raccoon and a nightmare, and costs slightly less than rent.

Carbon footprint

n. The ecological ankle monitor worn by all humans, except billionaires, which is somehow reducible by bringing your own tote bag to the apocalypse.

Woke

a. A convenient label for anything one doesn’t like, approve of, or understand – especially if it involves empathy, nuance, or change.

see also: communist, political correctness gone mad.

Boop

interj. A battle cry used during the deployment of a weaponized form of affection, typically involving a finger to the nose

Vibes

n. An invisible force field that determines whether something is good, bad, off, slay, cursed, or Tuesday.

Apology tour

n. A public relations pilgrimage during which a former celebrity disavows behavior they were extremely proud of — until enough people found out.

Snowflake

n. A fragile being easily offended, usually so described by the person most offended by their existence.

Tyrant

1. n. One who rises to power through sheer force of ego, unburdened by skill, ethics, or the ability to take a joke.
2. n. A person with no discernible morals or skills, save for the unique talent of making you say, “Well, it couldn’t possibly get worse” — just before it does.
3. n. A ruler whose ascent required no talent, whose reign tolerates no dissent, and whose principles know no loyalty-not even to themselves.

Chillax

v. A fusion of “chill” and “relax” : a suggestion to improve the mood, typically delivered by the person most responsible for wrecking it.

Mainstream Media

n. A trusted institution, provided it confirms the reader’s existing beliefs; otherwise, a malicious cabal of agenda-driven ghouls with nice teeth.