Christmas

n. A winter holiday believed to be under brutal attack by the unspeakable atrocity of someone, somewhere saying the word “happy” where “merry” could have been used.

Thirst trap

n. A carefully staged photo designed to dry out mouths and moisten other parts.

Fracking

n. A high stakes game of subterranean Jenga, played with pressurized chemicals, taxpayer subsidies, and the dwindling patience of Mother Nature.

Sphinctocracy

malignant growth.

An anus-forward form of government where the system is chronically constipated and nothing gets passed unless it is
full of shit.

Influencer

n. An individual whose primary talent is appearing attractive while in close proximity to lifestyle accessories they didn’t pay for.

Vegan

n.

1. A person who, by declining cheese, agrees to carry the full weight of society’s mockery.
2. A person sustained by moral conviction, dietary discipline, and quantities of lentils that defy the laws of physics.

Labubu

who knows? A collectible creature-widely considered to be adorable-that resembles the love child of a raccoon and a nightmare, and costs slightly less than rent.

Carbon footprint

n. The ecological ankle monitor worn by all humans, except billionaires, which is somehow reducible by bringing your own tote bag to the apocalypse.

Woke

a. A convenient label for anything one doesn’t like, approve of, or understand – especially if it involves empathy, nuance, or change.

see also: communist, political correctness gone mad.

Boop

interj. A battle cry used during the deployment of a weaponized form of affection, typically involving a finger to the nose