Androcles and the Lion

Androcles was fleeing the wrath of his enslaver when he stumbled upon a ferocious lion. The lion, whose mane was matted with dirt and whose eyes blazed with fury, pinned Androcles to the ground. As the lion roared angrily, Androcles noticed that its paw had a thorn in it. Since Androcles was easily distracted and thought “that must hurt” he gently removed the thorn from the lion’s paw. To his surprise, the lion let him go, and then began to purr and nuzzle Androcles.

From that day on, Androcles and the lion became the best of friends. They roamed the countryside together, sharing meals and stories beneath the open sky. And posting videos of themselves on the lion’s social media accounts, under the hashtags #feelingfierce #pawsitivelyunstoppable and #relationshipgoals.

A man and a lion living happily ever after, one cringeworthy video at a time. The end.

Once upon a time in a land of all work and no pay, a young woman applied for an unpaid internship at a castle.

The advertisement read:

Artisan in Residence (Entry-Level, No Exit)

We’re looking for a self-starter to alchemize raw materials into scalable assets.
Must thrive in high-pressure dungeons, and be able to collaborate cross-functionally with floor-dwelling consultants.

The young woman thought she’d be fetching coffee and collecting trauma for her portfolio,
but on her first day, the king looked her dead in the eye and said:
“Spin this pile of straw into gold… for exposure. Or die. Ideally both.”

She said yes , because even fairy tale characters don’t get a ‘happily ever after’ without a LinkedIn profile and at least two side hustles.

She panicked and added,
“Yeah, totally. I do that all the time.”

Because in this economy, you fake it or you die.
And even entry-level straw-spinning requires five years of experience,
and a glowing reference from a unicorn.

Yes, unicorn references glow. They all do. It’s the magic mushrooms. Anyway, HR says not to touch them bare-handed.

And also to stand very still if the photocopier starts printing time.

(They’re still hearing colors from last Tuesday.)

As soon as she said yes, the young woman was escorted to a tower for what the monarch called “a high-stakes growth opportunity.”

They left her with straw, pressure, and a locked door — classic onboarding.

She watched six YouTube tutorials and ended up on a homesteading channel watching a woman chop wood in Vermont.

By video three, she still didn’t know how to spin straw, but she was definitely rethinking her sexuality… and capitalism.

That’s when a tiny man crawled out of the floor and offered to help.

And the young woman was like: “absolutely not.”

I am busy, overwhelmed and on deadline and this man thinks now is the moment to offer unsolicited assistance? Classic.

But then he said:

“I’ll spin all the straw into gold for you… in exchange for your firstborn.”

And without even looking up, she just went: “Deal.”

She thought to herself:

In this economy? Babe I’m never having kids.

Parenthood is like a high-risk startup that launches overnight.

And I’ve seen the pitch deck. All stretch marks and Baby Shark.

Plus, I’ll be way too busy raising goats with a lesbian lumberjack to even consider getting a human subscription with no pause button.

The tiny man spun all the straw into gold.

The king was thrilled, let the young woman out of the tower, and proposed she marry him on the spot.

She said: “Hell no. Hostage situations are not my love language.”

The young woman left the palace and joined a queer agricultural collective with good boundaries and great tomatoes.

Meanwhile, the little man waited. And waited.

There was no baby.

He grew angry and showed up demanding his prize — but no matter how the queers insisted the seventy three cats were their children, the deal didn’t work that way.

Now he hosts a podcast called Grimm Realities,
where he rants about how “you can’t even claim a woman’s firstborn anymore without everyone getting offended,”
and how people just don’t value traditional masculine skillsets anymore.

The queers are unbothered. The cats have blocked him on all platforms.

The End.

The Ugly Duckling was mocked by his siblings for being different.

His parents said nothing. They never even mentioned he was adopted.

The Ugly Duckling grew up beautiful, and deeply traumatized.

One day he found out he was really a swan and confronted his parents.

“Am I adopted?” he asked?

And the ducks said, “Actually, we prefer the term…rescued.”

“You lied to me! You let them call me ‘Ugly Duckling.’” the Ugly Recently Not A Duckling screamed.

“Oh, honey, they were just teasing. ” said his father.

“We don’t see species.” said his mother.

Now now the Never Ugly Nor A Duckling is in therapy unpacking why his biggest fear is group photos and family dinners.

Turns out glow-ups don’t fix childhood neglect.

In a small village, a curious boy named Timmy was obsessed with his new smartphone. One day, he thought it would be funny to shitpost “WOLF SIGHTING!” on social media, and soon the whole town was abuzz with danger, with a few who knew it was actually just a covert government conspiracy.

Timmy enjoyed his silly prank, so he thought it would be funny to post “WOLF SIGHTING AGAIN!”

Again the village rushed to defend, aid and gossip- though some stayed home thinking “why should I bother doing anything?”

Several days later a genuine real wolf approached the village, and Timmy posted “WOLF SIGHTING! THIS TIME IT’S FOR REAL!” But by then, no one believed him.

The villagers were already certain in what they knew to be not true, and had grown tired of being duped. So instead of protecting themselves they went and elected the wolf as their new leader.

When the princess kissed the frog on the forehead, the curse was broken. The frog transformed into a handsome prince. And immediately his fitbit started beeping like crazy. “Hey I got 58,000 steps today!” he croaked.

The Emperor’s New Glow

The emperor loved fancy new clothes. One day, some image architect consultants specializing in “minimalist luxury” sold him on an elite, invisible fabric: a zero-denier hollow core blend of Ego-tek™, woven exclusively in the cloud.

They told the emporor that his new outfit would be only visible to the truly intelligent. So he strutted through town completely naked.

No one said a word—his advisors didn’t want to be fired, and the crowd didn’t want to look dumb.

Until a child shouted, “He’s wearing nothing!”

Panicking, the consultants called it “bold, disruptive feedback.”

The child now does reaction videos on TikTok, and the emperor is the face of a fashion brand called Nothingwear™.

Tagline: “If you can’t see it, you’re not important enough

When the townspeople refused to pay the Pied Piper for leading the rats away, he piped their children out of town as punishment.

Instead of panicking, the parents cheered, because the Piper was the first person in history to get kids to listen.

He now has a Netflix special and a parenting book called “Shut Up and Follow the Music.”

The three bears came home to find their porridge eaten, a chair broken, and a blonde girl sleeping in their bed.

When they told her she had the dates wrong and that the BearBnB wasn’t available until the end of the week, she screamed and ran off. They only heard from her again when she left a two-star review:

“Beds uncomfortable. Porridge mid.”

Ella, a kind and clever young girl, lived with her wicked stepmother, Karen, and two stepsisters. Ella’s chores were endless, but her one night her fairy godmother appeared to give her a break, raising unanswered questions about why she had never helped out before.

“Girl, you look like you need a night out” she said. “But, there’ll be none of this faffing about with mice and lizards, we’re busy people” she mused. “Here’s a dress and some shoes, now go have a nice time at the ball.”

“But how will I get there?” Ella asked.

“Uber.” her fairy godmother said, handing her a smart phone. “But make sure to leave before midnight because that’s when the magic wears off”.

“Can’t you make the magic go longer, since it’s, you know, magic?” Ella asked.

“I’m afraid this is just the basic plan. If you want unlimited minutes you’ll have to pay the licensing fee. Gotta dash!”. Her fairy godmother popped off as quickly as she had appeared.

Ella arrived at the palace, after narrowly avoiding several sartorial disasters to do with poofy gowns and small back seats.

As Ella entered the grand hall, she was astonished by the opulence around her. And everyone was mesmerized with her, especially Prince Henry, the king’s son. Ella danced with him until the clock struck midnight.

With the clock’s chimes still echoing in her ears, Ella made a swift exit from the ball, hoping noone would see her beautiful clothing turning into rags and post about it online.

Meanwhile, Prince Henry found Ella’s phone on the street and was determined to find its owner. He searched the kingdom for someone who could unlock it, but to no avail.

After many failed attempts, his advisors told him he had one more house to visit: that of Karen, Ella’s wicked stepmother. Prince Henry was skeptical but decided to give it a try. When he arrived, he was greeted by Ella’s two stepsisters, but neither of them could unlock the phone.

Just as Prince Henry was about to give up, he saw Ella- covered in dirt- weeding in the garden. He was certain it was her, but the phone refused to recognize her beautiful face.

As he frankly couldn’t be bothered looking any longer, Prince Henry asked her to try again. But no matter how hard she tried, the phone would not unlock.

Frustrated, Ella let out a loud sigh and contorted her face into an awkward downward facing expression – complete with three chins.

To Prince Henry’s delight and surprise, the phone’s facial recognition software now recognized Ella’s face. He was overjoyed and asked her to marry him on the spot. Ella happily accepted, hoping no one would remember this moment ever again, and they got married in a grand ceremony.

As they exchanged their vows, Prince Henry realized that true love is not about beauty or grace. Sometimes, it takes a little bit of imperfection to reveal the true soulmate. And making the decision that you are done looking.

Rapunzel lived trapped in a tower with no stairs, no door—just a window.

A prince heard Rapunzel singing from a tower and was completely entranced. But he couldn’t find a way in.

Every day the sorceress who kept her there called out, “Rapunzel, let down your hair!” and climbed up her braid like that was normal.

One day the prince saw this and thought, Okay, that’s the system, but I’m not… climbing a person.

So he came back the next day with a rope ladder, bolt cutters, and a headlamp.

“Rapunzel! I brought tools—because if your hair can haul up a whole person, I figure it can support a few inanimate objects.”

Rapunzel lowered the ladder, climbed down herself, and hit the ground like, “Wow. That was… so much easier than being used as infrastructure.”